Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) causes inflammation, swelling and ulceration of the intestines. The two most common types are Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis
If you have any sort of health issue regarding your bowel or bladder, you’ll know that, not only can it cause pain and discomfort, it can also be a source of embarrassment or frustration when it comes to dating or being in a longterm relationship.
Health psychologist Aideen Stack explains that people with IBD can experience challenges in their relationships that are unique to them. However, by couples adopting greater understanding and compassion, these can be overcome. She says:
“Living with inflammatory bowel disease can impact not only a person’s physical health but also their emotional well-being and relationship dynamics. Unpredictable symptoms such as abdominal pain, fatigue, and frequent toilet visits, can be difficult for partners to comprehend, and things can bubble over. Having IBD can also have a significant negative impact on how a person views their body and themselves, which can make relationships and intimacy difficult.
“So, it’s important that those living with IBD be kind to themselves. Planning dates or an outing, or whatever feels manageable, or even just having a cosy night in, can really help to bring couples together in a way that is mutually beneficial.”
If you’re nervous about how your IBD will impact a new relationship, psychotherapist Trish Murphy has the following tips to help ease your anxiety:
Be confident
We know that confidence is sexy and, to grow in ourselves, we need to banish those critical thoughts and ideas that we have about who we are. People with IBD can sometimes see themselves as broken and unlovable. Be mindful of these feelings but don’t get stuck in them so that they spiral. Recognise that all you have been through has chipped away at your self-esteem and how you see yourself and your body. Have some self-compassion and be kind to yourself.
Take the plunge
When going on a first date, make sure to visit the venue in advance so that you know what to expect. Many people with IBD find fatty, spicy and raw foods more difficult to digest. Know what’s on the menu and that there is something you can eat. Check where the toilets are and book a nearby table so that you don’t have to worry about excusing yourself and getting there in a hurry. Taking these steps will put your mind at ease and make for a much more relaxed dating experience!
Talking is good
Once you’ve established a definite spark after a number of dates, you should bring up your IBD and what it means for you. Openness and trust are very important qualities in a relationship. It will help create intimacy and will mean that you aren’t ruminating indefinitely over when to raise the topic. Choose the right time and place, be honest, give the facts and be open to questions.
Love your body
Often the parts of our body most associated with pleasure are the same parts that carry the emotional and physical scars of IBD. We need to re-learn that they can also be sources of delight. You have a right to laugh, to have fun and to get enjoyment from your body. Change your mindset and take back control of your senses. Let go of any embarrassment, or feelings of being unattractive, or fear of failure. Your sex drive will return as you begin to feel better about yourself.
Take it one step at a time
When it comes to intimacy, you may be worried about practical aspects of life with IBD such as the need to go to the toilet urgently, or having flatulence, or that you may experience pain. But, remember, you don’t have to jump into the main event straight away. Build up to it gradually through non-sexual activities such as a massage, etc. Plan what you will do in the event of nature calling, e.g. “If I have to run to the loo, I want you to focus on this fantasy…”.
General ways to help improve your symptoms of IBD
- Quit smoking
- Only drink in moderation
- Limit stress levels as much as possible
- Adopt a Mediterranean diet
- Reduce your intake of processed foods
